Toilet Seat Down
In Europe there is an 'anti-sprinkle' movement, the goal of which is to
encourage men to sit down when they pee, and thus avoid the sprinkle
effect.
Restrooms in all the countries across the continent have signs urging
men to be thoughtful gentlemen and sit down when they do their
business. My brother-in-law, a German lawyer, as with many European
men, now sits down when he conducts his business. Because he's always
been a thoughtful gentleman.
Ladies, don't get your hopes up because that's never going to happen in
America. Men in the states are going to continue to stand, and they're
going to continue to sprinkle, and you - I'm sorry to say - are going
to continue to clean up these sprinkles. Because they won't do it
themselves.
It's certainly a cultural thing as we see in the above example of my
brother-in-law and all those other European men. Part of being a man
here in America is that you stand when you urinate, since you are not a
woman and women, we know, pee sitting down. Indeed there is something
intrinsically powerful about peeing standing up and the more elevated
you are the more powerful you feel. In fact, nothing feels more
powerful than peeing off of a roof ... um, I've been told.
In the war of the toilet seat lids I have finally decided that toilet
lids should both be down when the toilet is not being used. Wait, here
me out, guys. I'm not betraying my gender - much. There are very good
reasons to have the lids down, and none of them have to do with being
nagged to death if you don't.
Number One: You don't want the dog drinking out of the toilet bowl.
Don't have a dog? You might get one and it's good practice for you in
the meantime so that you get into the habit. Or you might have a friend
with a dog visit you unannounced, and you want to be prepared for that.
By the way, if you have a really big dog, it should be both lids down
with a brick on top of them. They find the cool water, perfectly
positioned for them to drink from, irresistable - especially when their
lazy master has forgotten to refill their water bowl.
Number Two: You can accidentally drop things into an open toilet. Do
you like fishing your tooth-brush out of the toilet? Or for that
matter, do you like fishing anything out of it at all?
Thought not.
Number Three: It's bad Feng Shui. Okay. I'm a little bit out of my
element on this one, but as I understand it, Chi energy or the life
force naturally flows towards water and you just don't want all of your
Chi energy going down the toilet. It's bad, believe me. To counteract
this you need to either have a growing plant on the back of your toilet
(draws the life force up), or you need a bowl of rice. My choice was
the plant, because if you have a bowl of rice on your crapper people
think you've been eating rice in your bathroom, and that's kind of hard
to explain away.
Number Four: Maybe this is just me, but I've always found an open bowl
of toilet water kind of scary looking. Alligators or Norwegian Sewer
rats could jump out of it at any time. And the water itself leads
directly to the dark depths of the underworld and I'd just rather see
it covered and not have to think about that.
Number Five: It actually is a polite thing to do for a woman, you know
like holding a door for her, or pulling out a chair for her at a
restaurant, or helping her put on her coat, or other polite things like
that. Don't want to be polite? Fine. I just gave you four other
perfectly sound reasons why you should do this, anyways.
If you do happen to be a man who lives alone and has no friends or dogs
or visitor and never plans on having any of those ... well, I feel
sorry for you. None of the above applies to you. But in that case, you
really should get a dog because, Buddy, you really need a little
companionship. Just make sure you get a small dog that can't get it's
head into to that open toilet of yours.
Steve Sommers is the author of Breakfast with the Antichrist. Visit his Website at http://www.breakfastwiththeantichrist.com
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