Yes, good times, and like every other year, the ever simplistic
"written by squirrels for squirrels" 2005 Tax package is teaming with
new, confusing rules that smell vaguely of roasted acorns. This year,
according to the Honourable John McCallum, Canadian Minister of
National Revenue, the 2005 tax season will be the first in history
where cheating will be allowed just so long as you don't get caught.
     
According to McCallum, "This year, no one is to be audited as long as
they correctly fill out form wk2005. Any person failing to fill out
this form correctly prior to cheating on their taxes will be noogied
and have their house confiscated by a mob of drunken accountants in
silk shirts brandishing an angry chicken with a tick problem.
     
"In fact, even if you do fill out the form, we will take your house,
fill your basement with Jello brand gelatine and give it to a
respected Liberal sponsor; an oxymoron without the oxy."
     
Ha, ha! What a fun loving bunch! I bet they're a gas at parties! Such
dedication to their sport means the fine folks at Revenue Canada will
be giving you ample opportunity to fill your lungs with fresh spring
air and revel in the adrenalin rush brought on by your dog induced
dash through woods, across plains and o'er beaver dams build using
government grants by real actual beavers who, just so you know, do not
have to pay taxes.
     
But I have to say I don't mind paying when the Minister of Revenue is
John McCallum. Those who know me know I am a HUGE John McCallum fan. I
feel so strongly about this guy that if he had a full size poster that
I could pin to my wall, I wouldn't because that would be a little
weird, even for me.
     
But, a few years ago when this column was in its infancy, McCallum was
the Canadian Minister of National Defence and my favourite political
target. Basically, he was an accountant playing Canadian soldier and
should have been fired, possibly out of a cannon.
     
This guy really had no idea what was going on. Prior to the non UN
backed US led invasion of Iraq, British PM Tony Blair tabled a 55 page
report detailing Iraq's apparent attempt to develop weapons of mass
destruction (Ha!) and his desire to unravel the Caramilk secret. While
the rest of the world leaders, probably even Hussein himself, read
this dossier, McCallum did not. This was all too evident when he
stated, "Ah, we haven't read it yet," in surprisingly good English
from the back of what witnesses claim was a well trained moose. Rumour
has it that before attempting to dive into said report he was trying
to complete `Green Eggs and Ham.'
     
If you can believe on the same day, while commenting on the proposed
20,000 member Rapid Reaction Force within NATO, he again dropped the
proverbial ball. McCallum explained how useful such a force could have
been when "...there was a risk of war between India and Afghanistan."
Huh? Tilt! When did this happen? I guess I missed that memo. Wasn't it
India and Pakistan? You know, the whole nuclear super-kablooey thing
that didn't happen but could have very easily if both weapons hadn't
been built entirely out of US endorsed Lego products?
     
Am I being too hard on the poor guy? Read on. During the 60th
anniversary of the Dieppe raid, McCallum stated he didn't even know
about this military operation until a week previous. This guy, a man
playing Minister of Defence, had 60 years to find out about the WWII
raid in France which resulted in nearly 1000 Canadian soldiers being
killed.
     
Or how about the Battle of Vimy Ridge, Canada's "coming of age" battle
of WWI? He referred to this event as the battle of Vichy. (Vichy was a
resort town in central France and served as a puppet government under
Nazi influence during the second world war and became very famous the
world over for nothing.)
     
This said, it is no surprise McCallum is now the Canadian Minister of
National Revenue. Interestingly enough, he was appointed to this
position by prime minister Paul Martin who, strangely, had his large
shipping fleet registered in another country in order to avoid paying
Canadian taxes.
     
This is why it is imperative that you boogie your butt down to your
accountant and pay your fair share. At last count, the only ones
contributing to the financial security of this great country was some
guy in Tweed, Celine Dion and a small band of Mennonites in
north-western Manitoba.
     
So, yes, it is important. Tune in next week and I, as a public
service, will run through some complex tax questions so we won't all
end up in jail.
     
Or get fired out of a cannon.

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Copyright © 2005 by Vaughan Reid. Writer's Kramps is published every
Saturday by the Belleville Intelligencer, Belleville Ontario, Canada.